Alone

I'm lonely. :-(





I miss you more then anything Padrino. I need you more then ever. I wish you were here. I wish the Lord never took you. I wish I could hear your loud laugh. I wish I could see your toothless smile. I wish I could hear you tell a joke. I wish I could simply hear you say Bendicion. I wish I would hear you say I love you. I wish I could give you just 1 more hug or just 1 more kiss. I just wish you were still here.

R.I.P Antonio Camacho Jr.
November 9, 1955- April 19, 2009

Te Extrano Padrino!

Hip-Hop

I just had a long discussion with my baby bro about music. My bro swears he is a hip-hop head & wishes to become a music producer. He already makes beats that are pretty decent & aren't that bad. But yea we had a very long discussion. He swears that New York hip hop is not dead because we have Mims & Ron Brows. I beg to differ. I believe that hopefully with this Jada album he can put New York back on the map, because these other people ain't quite doing it at least not for me. He began playing me all of these "hot" songs. And in my opinion EVERY single one he played was pretty damn wack. Don't get me wrong the songs aren't THAT bad and are catchy and before long you find yourself singing them. However it doesn't quite make my heart tingle the way music is supposed to. Doesn't quite reach my soul. I'm tired of hearing "she backed it on me" and all other forms of that saying. I'm tired of hearing "she knows how to make it clap". I honestly don't care who can make it clap or how well a girl backs it up (of course that is a sight to see especially if shortii got ass however I don't think every song should reference such a sight no matter how delicious it is. lmao). So as I said most of the hip-hop out now just doesn't do it for me. Music is supposed to be felt in your heart and soul & this shit that is out now is more like damaging my soul. Hip-hop needs to get back to what it was. Oh during this conversation between me and him he tried to compare Jada & Brows without actually coming out and saying he was comparing them (does that make sense? hmm). Ok well I must say that those 2 CANNOT be compared EVER! Jada is a political rapper whereas Brows is not. Jada actually sends a message when he raps. He spits straight FIRE! Brows talks about "jumping out the window". Ummm yea no comparison. I tried to school this boy on what hip-hop was and should be. People need to stop listening to this garbage that is "hot" now and listen to Common, Talib Kweli, Mos Def, Nas, The Fugees, Mobb Deep, the cats from back in the day. They actually said something when they rapped. It wasn't all about sex and drugs and bullshit. It was about real shit. About shit that mattered. I'm tired of these bullshit sex songs. Leave that to the R&B singers.

New York hip-hop needs some resuscitation.

YAY!!!

6 days till I leave to Florida!!! YAY!!! Cannot Wait!!!

Finally Have Realized....

If you really love something set it free,
If it comes back it's yours,
If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

I have heard that phrase so many times before. Everyone says it, but I have never truly understood it, until recently. I have finally grasped the meaning behind those words. A year ago, I set you free. I let you go, didn't bother you, gave you your space. Allowed you to do you and get yourself together. And you have come back to me. You found me and befriended me again on your own terms, on your own time. And because of that I know that it is true. I love you. I always have I always will. I will never forget the day we met so long ago in 2001. I will never forget the text messages we sent back and forth proclaiming our love for one another. I will never forget losing you and then finding you again. I will never forget those beautiful months we shared. The laughs, the smiles, the kisses, the hugs, the fights, the apologies, the love we shared. And then once again you left. You needed time to gather yourself. But now you are back. And now I realize the meaning behind that saying. Now I know that we are meant to be. We are supposed to be. And now I will fight with every last breathe and every last nerve in my body to make sure we work. I love you with my entire heart and soul. I will be your wife & You will be my husband.

I Love You Boo Bear!

HaHaHa

Bitches make me laugh! lmao.

I Need Ideas

ok so I'm getting my 4th tattoo the week I get back from Florida in April. I CANNOT WAIT!!!

However I need some help. I have the concept of the tattoo that I want however I'm not exactly sure how to execute my concept. So if anyone can help it would be great.

So the concept is: Love hurts/kill but I'm strong enough to survive.

So any ideas would be appreciated. THANK YOU!!!

A Woman's Worth

Please tell me how a nigga down in Florida can tell my worth & is willing & eager to make something work between us. Yet I'm so wrapped up over a nigga who just can't see my value. OMG! Like I've totally answered my previous posts question, yes, I am CRAZY! ARGH!

Am I Crazy?

I see so many people around me having babies. Everyone looks so beautiful and happy with their new additions or additions to be. And I want that. I want my own addition. Is that so wrong? Am I crazy because I want a bundle of joy? I've always wanted one but now that I see everyone else pregnant and giving birth I want one to. I know it sucks but I want to feel that love. Am I crazy?

Degree

So I'm currently pursuing a Bachelors degree in Criminal Justice.
Is this a mistake?
Who knows.

People keep asking me, "Why the hell do you want to be a cop?!?"
HELLO PEOPLE!!!!
A police officer is NOT the only career which you can use a degree in CJ.
I do agree, Why the fuck would I want to be a cop?!.
I can't stand cops.
Yes I know not all cops are bad.
But it seems that all of the cops I have dealt with are rude, disrespectful, abuse their authority, corrupt ASSHOLES!!
So HELL no I do NOT want to be a cop. (and to think next semester I will be taking a class on policing. Yipdee fucking Doo!).

But ok back to my degree. lol
We live in a world where "the system" is corrupt.
There is NO going around that.
Everyone is FUCKED UP & ASSHOLES!
DUH!! It's something we just have to deal with! Right?
WRONG!!
I have decided to get a Criminal Justice degree so I can help fight from the inside.
YAY!
I want to make a difference.
I want to change the world. (however cliche that sounds)
I want to help our youth.
I think I have gone through enough of the BULLSHIT to help better someone elses life.
I want to work in the courts with the youth.
I want to be a Youth Court Counselor.
How fun does that sound?!
It sounds like a blast in my eyes.
This is what I've ALWAYS wanted to do & I have FINALLY found the PERFECT profession.
Now that I have FINALLY found the right career after 20 years.
Guess what?
I STILL have to WAIT another fuckin 4 years to get my degree.
What luck. lol.

Da Countdown Has Begun.....

MySpace Countdown

Wake Up Call

I had a wake up call last night and it was wonderful. I have come to realize that God is #1 in my life however lately I have not been showing Him. So it is time to change that. He is my Savior, my Guidance, my Father, my World. And it is time for me to show you Him and give him the gratitude I feel. I am giving myself to Him. I am entrusting him with my entire life. & with His help I know that I will get through anything that is thrown at me. With His guidance I will be saved & I will survive & strive!

When life seems dark and empty and there's no hope in sight, look for God to send an angel to guide you toward the light.

Mi corazon duele. Pero no es por un amor. Yo no se porque tengo este sentimiento. Pero esta comindome por dentro. No se que ser....

Aventura

Ok so Aventura has always been able to say exactly what I need to say. They have always had a song for every emotion and I have felt. And they have once again not failed me. This is why they are my favorite group. Plus they are EXTRA gorgeous. But yea so at this moment their 2 new songs are pretty much hitting my emotions on the nail.

Let us fist start off with Por Un Segundo

Y aquí estoy yo con la misma expresión
Perdón si soy imprudente
y delante de la gente
te reclamo derrepente
como es que supuestamente
se venció en el amor
sin un contrato entre tu y yo

Como en los cuentos de hadas,
nuestra historia fue contada
tu eras mi princesa Diana
y yo el rey que tanto amabas
el ejemplo es ficción
pero verídico fue mi amor

ROUGH TRANSLATION:

and here I am with the same expression. Excuse me if I'm rude in front of people. Supposedly love lost with out a contract between me & you.

Its like the stories the fairies tell, our time was counted. You were my Princess Diana and I was your king who loved you so much. The example is ficion but my love was real.

Por Un Segundo LMP - Aventura

Now let us look at Depresion

Si me dices que no hay amor con dolor tendre k marcharme....Si este es el despresio lo k me meresco ayudame mi dios te pido mi senor. Se que soy culpable solo irse amarla falle en el amor si es una locura el k tu me ames pues mienteme mi amor y aslo con pudor prefiero k me jinjas aque me seas sincera no asesines la ilusion.

ROUGH TRANSLATION:

If you tell me you dont love me I'll have to walk away in pain... If this is the dression I deserve help me Lord, I ask you lord. I know I'm guily of only wanting to love but I failed love. If loving me is crazy, lie to me and do it modestly. I prefer that you sincerely pretend, don't kill the dream.

Deprecion - Aventura

Baby

I saw it & I almost cried because this sums me up so well. Its as if I wrote this Postsecret myself & it's scary.

Its 4 in the morning & I can't sleep. I close my eyes and they just keep opening. So many things keep running through my head. So many things keep flashing through my mind. I want so many things. I want so much more out of life then what I'm getting right now. I have so many wishes and dreams that I just want NOW. In retrospect I want the same things I have always wanted. Nothing much has really changed. I've just developed those wishes and dreams into maturity. I want to settle down. I want to start a family. I want to graduate. I just want to start my "future" already. But I feel like my "future" is so far away. I need and want it to come quicker. But I'm going to sleep now...or at least going to try to.

How Do You Know?

How do you know when enough is enough?
How do you know when its time to let go?
How do you know when its time to move on?

I'm so fucking tired but yet I can't let go.
I'm so fucking tired but yet I have to keep going.
I'm so fucking tired of not being able to say you're mine.
I'M SO FUCKING TIRED... but yet I just sit back and keep going.

Older

Ok so I'm 20 years old. I'll be 21 in a short 6 months. But I feel so much older. I've been through so many struggles. I've been through so much pain. I've lost some of the most important people in my life. I've truly truly struggled. And it sucks so bad. I'll be 21 yrs old & I've been through more shit then someone who's older.

I was raised in the Projects. I have never used that as an excuse and I am not starting now. Being raised in the projects is not something that I will use to justify my choices and decisions. I made the choices and decisions I made on my own. Yes of course the location of my childhood does have a slight impact on my life but I will NOT use it as an excuse like some people. Because in all actuality my childhood was pretty damn good. I was able to be a child. I played children games and did children things. I was a child. But then we get into my teen years and that all changed. I was no longer a child, a baby.

I lost my 1st Grandma in 1999 when I was 10 years old. I lost my 2nd Grandma who was like my mom in 2001 when I was 11 years old. It was as if my entire world had crashed down. That was the first time I had actually lost someone extremely close to me. For the 1st time I felt true deep pain. I never knew a pain so hard and deep until I lost my two grandmas. And once again I will not use the lose of my Grandmas as an excuse but it had a huge impact on me.

After I lost them I gave up on life and did not want to continue. I did not know how to be strong and keep moving on. Instead of turning to positives to help me better myself, instead I turned to the streets. I became wild. I was no longer the good little girl I was raised to be. Instead I became a monster rebel. I was rude, disrespectful, and no longer cared about anything. I did not care who I hurt and how I hurt them. All that mattered to me was that I was having fun and was blocking out the pain from losing my Grandmas. I know look back and realize exactly what it was I was doing but at the time I could not see the effects.

During my time "running the streets", I hurt more people than you can imagine. I put myself and others around me in dangerously harmful situations. During those 5 years I went through to much. I went through pain and heartache and terror and fear and disgrace and depression and so much more. If I could take back those years I would in a heartbeat. I don't regret them because at one time that is what made me happy, but I do wish I could do them over now that I have more wisdom.

I lost my first love. I lost 2 of my best friends. I had a friend stab me in the back and sleep with my man. I had rumors spread about me. I was sexually assaulted. I was chased. I was beat. I was yelled at. I dropped out of high school. I tried committing suicide on countless occasions. I cut. I tried to OD. I got drunk. I got high. I lost a baby. I lost my family. I lost my heart. I lost my soul. I lost myself.

But I turned my life around. Was it easy? Not at all. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I did it & I am proud that I did. I did it just in time because a second more of living the life I was, would have killed me. What made me realize I needed a change? So many things just clicked in my head. So many things made me realize this is not the life for me no longer. This is not what my Grandmas wanted for me. And I changed.

I got rid of all the negative. I got rid of all my friends. I went back to school. I graduated. I realized my worth. I realized I had so much more potential. And now well I'm 20 years old still struggling but in such a different way.

I am in college doing wonderfully. I have a job. I have family & friends that care for me. Some people from my past who I thought had lost have come back into my life regularly. I have a great support system. Yes my heart may not be complete but I'm building to make it better.

I have people in my life that have changed it for the better in so many different ways & they don't even know it. My mom is my savior. Without her I would be lost in the streets still. She believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. My sister who has had my back through the good and the bad. When I need a shoulder to lean on she is there without any questions. My 1st love taught me how to love & that no matter what he will always have a part of my heart forever but that's a good thing. I am forever grateful to him & am very glad he is in my life again & we can actually be friends. Wuta has to be the realest, most sincere, most true friend I have. He's been there for me thru a lot of shit and has always had my back. He listens when I'm depressed and is always trying to make me smile. I forever love him with all my heart. My Gator is the newest addition to my group of life changers. lol. He has made me happy when I didn't think I could be. He showed me how to love again when I felt I had no heart. When I'm down he's always there. He truly is like a best friend to me even thou I wish it could be more.

Well this has turned out to be longer den I expected. lol. So I'll leave it at that. Just want to say that I am forever grateful to everyone who is in my life and has helped me. I love you all. And yes I have struggled and gone thru many hardships I am now going through some good times. So I am grateful.