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Ok so I'm 20 years old. I'll be 21 in a short 6 months. But I feel so much older. I've been through so many struggles. I've been through so much pain. I've lost some of the most important people in my life. I've truly truly struggled. And it sucks so bad. I'll be 21 yrs old & I've been through more shit then someone who's older.

I was raised in the Projects. I have never used that as an excuse and I am not starting now. Being raised in the projects is not something that I will use to justify my choices and decisions. I made the choices and decisions I made on my own. Yes of course the location of my childhood does have a slight impact on my life but I will NOT use it as an excuse like some people. Because in all actuality my childhood was pretty damn good. I was able to be a child. I played children games and did children things. I was a child. But then we get into my teen years and that all changed. I was no longer a child, a baby.

I lost my 1st Grandma in 1999 when I was 10 years old. I lost my 2nd Grandma who was like my mom in 2001 when I was 11 years old. It was as if my entire world had crashed down. That was the first time I had actually lost someone extremely close to me. For the 1st time I felt true deep pain. I never knew a pain so hard and deep until I lost my two grandmas. And once again I will not use the lose of my Grandmas as an excuse but it had a huge impact on me.

After I lost them I gave up on life and did not want to continue. I did not know how to be strong and keep moving on. Instead of turning to positives to help me better myself, instead I turned to the streets. I became wild. I was no longer the good little girl I was raised to be. Instead I became a monster rebel. I was rude, disrespectful, and no longer cared about anything. I did not care who I hurt and how I hurt them. All that mattered to me was that I was having fun and was blocking out the pain from losing my Grandmas. I know look back and realize exactly what it was I was doing but at the time I could not see the effects.

During my time "running the streets", I hurt more people than you can imagine. I put myself and others around me in dangerously harmful situations. During those 5 years I went through to much. I went through pain and heartache and terror and fear and disgrace and depression and so much more. If I could take back those years I would in a heartbeat. I don't regret them because at one time that is what made me happy, but I do wish I could do them over now that I have more wisdom.

I lost my first love. I lost 2 of my best friends. I had a friend stab me in the back and sleep with my man. I had rumors spread about me. I was sexually assaulted. I was chased. I was beat. I was yelled at. I dropped out of high school. I tried committing suicide on countless occasions. I cut. I tried to OD. I got drunk. I got high. I lost a baby. I lost my family. I lost my heart. I lost my soul. I lost myself.

But I turned my life around. Was it easy? Not at all. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I did it & I am proud that I did. I did it just in time because a second more of living the life I was, would have killed me. What made me realize I needed a change? So many things just clicked in my head. So many things made me realize this is not the life for me no longer. This is not what my Grandmas wanted for me. And I changed.

I got rid of all the negative. I got rid of all my friends. I went back to school. I graduated. I realized my worth. I realized I had so much more potential. And now well I'm 20 years old still struggling but in such a different way.

I am in college doing wonderfully. I have a job. I have family & friends that care for me. Some people from my past who I thought had lost have come back into my life regularly. I have a great support system. Yes my heart may not be complete but I'm building to make it better.

I have people in my life that have changed it for the better in so many different ways & they don't even know it. My mom is my savior. Without her I would be lost in the streets still. She believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. My sister who has had my back through the good and the bad. When I need a shoulder to lean on she is there without any questions. My 1st love taught me how to love & that no matter what he will always have a part of my heart forever but that's a good thing. I am forever grateful to him & am very glad he is in my life again & we can actually be friends. Wuta has to be the realest, most sincere, most true friend I have. He's been there for me thru a lot of shit and has always had my back. He listens when I'm depressed and is always trying to make me smile. I forever love him with all my heart. My Gator is the newest addition to my group of life changers. lol. He has made me happy when I didn't think I could be. He showed me how to love again when I felt I had no heart. When I'm down he's always there. He truly is like a best friend to me even thou I wish it could be more.

Well this has turned out to be longer den I expected. lol. So I'll leave it at that. Just want to say that I am forever grateful to everyone who is in my life and has helped me. I love you all. And yes I have struggled and gone thru many hardships I am now going through some good times. So I am grateful.